First, there is a difference between Targeted and Alienated Parent. A targeted parent still sees and spends quality time with their kids while the other parent attempts to destroy the relationship. The alienated parent has no relationship with their kids. It is a living death. The children are physically alive but emotionally and mentally dead to them. When a child dies, there is closure because we know where they are. When a child is missing or alienated, there is no closure, and hence the term “Living Death”.
The alienated/targeted parent is the peacemaker, go with the flow, whatever you say honey parent.
The Alienator Aggressive Parent:
As for the aggressive alienating parent, they are the controller and need to have total control.. Alienators are narcissists. They have extreme low self-esteem and sense of self-worth. They are filled with hatred, anger and rage. Stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process, they emotionally cannot more forward. Whether this is from childhood issues or the loss of a relationship, they are stuck. This is not necessarily from you but from their family of origin issues (FOO).
They were also raised to believe they have to be perfect because if they are not perfect, then they are not lovable. And if they are not lovable, they will be abandoned. And if they are abandoned they are lone. And this terrifies them. This need to be perfect is why they cannot go to counseling or loose because then they are not perfect and will end up alone.
From my work, 99% of alienators were abused as children or raised by narcissistic dysfunctional parent or parents. No one saved them from this abuse. So now when their relationship ends, their warped minds truly believe they are saving their children from some perceived abuse. What they are really doing is projecting their own FOO (Family of Origin) issues through the children on to you. In reality, they are trying to save little them as a child, through the children and blaming you for not saving them from the abuse or for abandoning them. In other words, they are projecting their childhood issues through the children onto the targeted parent in an attempt to save little them. In their warped minds, they truly believe that they are saving their children from some perceived abuse. So now they must make themselves out to be the perfect parent and make you to be the bad parent. There is no gray. It is just a very black or white thing. You either are with them or your are not.
This adds to their inability to recognize their own feelings and emotions are separate from their children’s. It is what I call Borderless Boundaries. There is no boundary or border between who they are and what they feel, hear, or see and what their children do.
The only way I can explain this warped brain is to describe it as a piece of wood that has been left out in the rain. It is warped and completely distorted. It takes special tools and expertise to straighten out that piece of wood. And even with that, it will never be perfect.
When the two parents met it was a yin/yang relationship. The alienator was looking for someone to control. And the targeted parent is the peacemaker, go with the flow whatever you say honey person who is just looking for someone to take the command and control. But the day that the targeted parent stands up and tries to take back the control, is the day all hell hits the fan.
While these are not excuses, they are explanations. And when we can explain something, we can understand something and we can better adjust and handle that something.