What is Domestic Violence by Proxy?
Parental Alienating Behaviors are Domestic Violence by Proxy
Using Coercive Control
By Joan T. Kloth-Zanard
Copyright 2011
Domestic violence by proxy uses coercive control and parental alienation behaviors that cause a psychological abuse induced relationship problem called PARP or Parental Alienation Relationship Problems. This is done through various methods which includes any of the following: rejecting(spurning), terrorizing, corrupting, denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability, reliable and inconsistent parenting, mental health, medical, or educational neglect, Degrading/devaluing, isolating and exploiting.
There is often unreliable and inconsistent parenting, which includes mental health, medical and/or educational neglect. This is all done to destroy the relationship between the parent-child relationship.
Domestic Violence is the act of physically, psychologically or sexually using various methods, behaviors, comments and/or actions to coercively control another human being. Coercive Controlling behaviors include but are not limited to any of the following, which constitute abuse and in particular, in the case of Parental Alienation, Child Abuse. (Taken from “Where Did I Go Wrong? How Did I Miss the Signs? Dealing with Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation, 2nd Edition” by Joan Kloth-Zanard, p. 16-19)
- Rejecting
- Terrorizing
- Corrupting
- Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability
- Unreliable and inconsistent parenting
- Mental health, medical, or educational neglect
- Degrading/devaluing
- Isolating
- Exploiting
Let’s take this a bit further in its application. When a parent REJECTS a child because the children show any love or affection for the Targeted Parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection, but TERRORIZATION. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the Targeted Parents home for fear of losing the Alienating Parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.
Next, there is CORRUPTING. When an Alienating parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the children they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the children that they are above the law and therefore immune to the court’s authority. When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the children to do the same, this is corruption. When an Alienating parent tells the children lies about the Targeted Parent, and that anything having to do with the Targeted Parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting. In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the children’s minds.
Next, let’s look at DENYING ESSENTIAL STIMULATION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS, OR AVAILABILITY. By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the Targeted Parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the Alienating Parents are denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions and availability with the Targeted Parent. In fact, the Targeted Parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against the false allegations. Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the Targeted Parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the Alienator refuses their children a warm and loving relationship with the Targeted Parents. Thus, it causes UNRELIABLE AND INCONSISTENT PARENTING. Since the children have been denied a relationship with the Targeted Parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the Alienating Parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.
This brings us to the MENTAL, MEDICAL AND EDUCATION NEGLECT. When an Alienating Parent refuses to comply with numerous court orders for counseling, they are denying their children's mental health. Thus, mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering. (V65.2) and by Neglect of Child (V61.21).
If despite numerous court orders or request and recommendations, the alienator continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s Targeted Parent in front of them, this behavior DEGRADES AND DEVALUESsomeone the children once respected and loved and, in most cases, secretly want a relationship with. This disdain and disrespect for the Targeted Parent in front of the child(ren) is another form of Psychological Maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of that Targeted Parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.
When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the Targeted Parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called ISOLATION. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this refusing them visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse. This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak. There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse. (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/warsha00.htm)
And finally, EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex-spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation and Domestic Violence by Proxy. When an Alienating Parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the Targeted Parent, this is EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children for monetary gains, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is EXPLOITATION.
When you add all these factors up, it is easy to see how Cross-Generational Coalitions, Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Behaviors, Enmeshed Relationships, Triangles and Borderless Boundaries can be classified as Psychological Maltreatment or abuse or more specifically Child Abuse.
But what happens when the perpetrator wants to abuse someone but they no longer have a direct contact with that person or need to do it covertly or wish to remain anonymous about their revenge? Or put another way, when there are claims of intimate partner violence and/or resist-refuse dynamics, we need to be able to recognize and assess for true and false abuse allegations to determine is this is something called Domestic Violence by Proxy.
‘By Proxy’ means using a substitute or alternate way through someone or something else. In the case of DV, it would be related indirectly doing harm to another through someone or something else. For example, if the children or the extended family and friends are vitriol and nasty, parroting whatever the other person says, this is DV by Proxy. They are using these people to sling harmful and hurtful insults and psychological trauma. If a person such as a child comes to the home and is destructive or violent toward the other person/parent, this is domestic violence by proxy. It uses the children to exact their revenge and anger. Basically, the aggressive person brainwashes and programs others into a cult of hatred, anger, fear and rage toward the other person.
Another example is false allegations. When a person files false allegations with an agency such as child protective services or a Women’s DV Group, this is DV by Proxy using an agency. When that agency fails to find or substantiate the allegations, and the person now files false criminal charges in the local courts, this is DV by proxy using the courts.
Another example, is when someone calls the parents job to get the parent fired or they talk to the child’s school principal, parents of friends or coaches to ensure that they will not communicate with the other person/parent. This is domestic violence by proxy using others to create turmoil and frustration and alienation.
When a person constantly files motions and veracious litigation causing malicious prosecution, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent infliction of emotional distress, perjury, slander, defamation, custodial interference, impede with medical/educational care or even loss of the enjoyment of life, this is Domestic Violence by proxy. This means that a person does not have to be face to face with their victim to perpetrate Domestic Violence when they can use a proxy to do it. And this grows their control and abuse by bringing in more people, places and things to abuse the other person with.
Conclusion:
Domestic Violence by Proxy using the coercive control of parental alienating behaviors causes Parental Alienation (Psychological Abuse) Relationship Problems. This is done through psychological abuse which includes any of the following: rejecting (spurning), terrorizing, corrupting, denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability, reliable and inconsistent parenting, mental health, medical, or educational neglect, Degrading/devaluing, isolating and exploiting.
Or put another way:
Domestic Violence by Proxy uses the coercive control and psychological abuse of parental alienating behaviors which lead to PARP such as rejecting, terrorizing, corrupting, denying essential stimulation, isolation, degrading/devaluing of the other parent, exploitation, as well as denying emotional responsiveness and availability. There is often unreliable and inconsistent parent, which includes mental health, medical and/or educational neglect. This is all done to destroy the relationship between the parent-child relationship.
I believe that the more of these different abuse techniques, a person uses, to destroy the parent-child relationship, the higher the probably that they are sociopaths or psychopaths. Most divorces start off with some low-level alienation/estrangement tactics, as the parents settle into this new way of life. But when it continues and the intensity increases, the more likely the perpetrator has severe antisocial personality disorders. And if this escalates on and on, the more likely the person is psychopathic or sociopathic. This s why the pattern of behaviors is so important to recognize and measure with one of the 15 assessment tools available.
A quick YouTube video is coming out on this shortly. Keep checking The Law Center on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC95vbmJ5CxttjmtMNwY19GQ
